Apples and Fangs, a Music Hall Number
by Corporal Maladict
Summary: Synopsis of a comical vampire romance number submitted to the Ankh-Morpork Music Hall management by an anonymous author. A parody of Twilight done in a Discworld setting. The synopsis is the first chapter of a longer fic with full skript.


Foreword: Are you familiar with the Discworld series by Terry Pratchett? Have you enjoyed it? If you are and have, then you will perhaps agree with me that Sir Terry said everything that could be said about Twilight in a Discworld context when writing 'Carpe Jugulum', a vampire (romance) parody that was published **before **Twilight first saw print.

Anyways, for the purposes of a contest in the Shades of Ankh-Morpork Guild on Gaia Online, and to provide backstory for a roleplay we are starting in the aforementioned guild, I decided to write a little something about how Twilight might appear if the movies had their equivalent on the Discworld:

_I, Corporal Maladict, hereby present you:_

**A Music Hall Number with song and dance and play-acting,**

_titled:_

_**Apples and Fangs**_

_Plot synopsis: _

Eduardo, Count of Sto Kullyn, (no, you won't find that on your Discworld Mapp, the playwright made it up) is a 107-year-old vampire. He has been a black ribboner (= a vampire who has replaced the craving for human blood with some other, less dangerous addiction) for several years and finds life in the countryside somewhat lacking in excitement. Also, he finds himself out of touch with the modern Discworld. He gets regular letters from his 16-year-old niece Alicia, who is studying in the Quirm College for Young Noblewomen. In these letters, she appears enthusiastic about everything she is learning in school, except the athletic lessons taught by Iron Lily. She also repeatedly begs for an increase in pocket money, which Eduardo systematically ignores, remembering his own youth with fondness.

*song about how Eduardo wishes he were a young bloodsucker again* *cheerful accompaniment by an accordion played by a man made up to look like an Igor, playing the role of Count Eduardo's butler*

Eduardo gets in his head the idea that if he went back to school, he too would learn many fascinating things about life, the universe and everything. Since he still appears 17 on the outside, blending in is no problem. He writes to Lady Margolotta, the most respected and powerful vampire on the Discworld, for advice and she recommends the Guild of Assassins in Ankh-Morpork. The Count agrees the advice is good, and is enrolled in the guild's school. He delights in learning about all the ways it is legal to shed blood - shed blood, but never drink it.

*insert comical song about the joys of killing with a chorus of singers dressed as student assassins*

Meanwhile, there is another student in the Guild of Assassins, an orphan whose parents were assassins and died doing their duty by the guild. As such, she has been granted a scholarship. Enter 17-year-old Carabella Swine, of no particular lineage. She is very clumsy, and the worst student the school has ever had. There is a strong likelihood she will die before she graduates, so the nicer students take pity on her and laugh at her only when she isn't present.

*comical scene where Carabella fails comically at basic crossbow practice, acted without actual arrows in the crossbows of course, but with very convincing sound effects nonetheless*

These two unlikely lovers find themselves pulled together by the force of Gods playing the game of Starcrossed Lovers (yes, they lost the rules to Unlikely Heroes again), and cannot help but fall for each other head over heels.

*scene where Carabella and Eduardo sing to each other about their love* *during this scene Eduardo gives Carabella an apple* (the lyrics are dreadful and won't be printed here, or anywhere else where people love the Morporkian Language)

Carabella has another suitor, a young werewolf known as Jack von Svart. He is fresh from Überwald and not very civilized. He chases sheep for a hobby, and sometimes shepherds too. There is a bounty on his head posted by the farmers on the Chalk.

*comical fight scene between Jack and Eduardo*

Eduardo wins their duel, but leaves Carabella because Fate threw another six on the dice. Carabella is pregnant, and later gives birth to a magic baby who will save the world from evil.

*a song about the games Gods play* *accompaniment by flute and piano, blue light*

Many decades later, Carabella is old and withered, and still unmarried - by the magic of the stage, somehow she survived an Assassin's life, and the music hall narrator won't explain how, because even the playwright can't imagine how that could have happened. Eduardo has been abandoned by all his friends, has gambled away his fortune (the addiction he chose to replace blood was the card game known as Cripple Mr Onion), and is now a beggar in the streets. He turns up on Carabella's door and asks her for an old deck of cards. He is in bad shape and suffers from gambling withdrawal. He has flashsides...

*some special effects done by a student wizard (one of Dr Hix's apprentices), displaying scenes of a life they could have had if they had stayed together in another leg of the trousers of time reflected on the wall in light and shadows, very vague and more like shadow puppets than for example the Moving Pictures* *beautiful, hauntingly sad music*

Carabella knows her old lover and offers him her home and heart, in return of turning her into a vampire and sparing her from death.

*scene where Eduardo bites Carabella, very dramatic, violin music plays, red light, darkness, white light*

*song about happily ever after, and the magic baby, whose name is Rennysmell and who is now grown up and married to Jack von Svart, does conjuring tricks (provided by the student wizard again)*

*curtain call*

*break for drinks, first number after break is the Weasel Man of Lancre* (if you haven't heard of him, he is a man who puts weasels down his pants, and even if you have heard of him, he is a man! who! puts! weasels! in! his! pants!*

Review if you can, and criticize freely! I love all kinds of feedback!


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